Step to Success #1: Identifying and Avoiding the Freshman

In separating the planet into distinct groups of life, four categories emerge. There are plants, animals, human beings, and freshmen. While freshmen themselves have long desired to be grouped in the more widely accepted group of humans, they have never quite received their wish for reasons that are quite clear.

Freshmen have a completely different demeanor than their human counterparts. Most of them have personalities completely lacking in confidence and direction. One will often see them dillydallying in the hallway, schedules in hand, reading each room number religiously. They often display a sheepish countenance accompanied by a self-doubting step.

Not all can be grouped as such, however. There is another subcategory of freshmen that lie on the opposite side of the spectrum. These are the freshmen who pretend to be upperclassmen. They often speak loudly, amble leisurely in the hallway, and chew their bubblegum with mouths open. Yet identifying them as freshmen is never a problem for a few simple reasons. Their voices are always a few octaves higher than normal and their height a few inches shorter than normal, especially in comparison to their human schoolmates.

Perhaps it is easiest to identify a freshman in the classroom. They will often stare into space, chew bubblegum obnoxiously(as previously stated), and never pay attention. Even though the freshmen curriculum is designed for unmotivated students, many will still end the year with unsatisfactory GPAs. If and when they do become sophomores, they will only then begin to realize the ramifications of their freshmen study habits.

Identifying freshmen is thus made easy. They come in several different forms, but they are all ultimately the same. They are categorized separately from all other organisms because of their unparalleled confidence (or lack there of), their low intelligence, and their simple everyday mannerisms that each and every one exhibits. Watching for these obvious traits will make avoiding freshmen easy and painless.