How to be different- just like everybody else

Freshman year is the year to discover the real you. You’ve finally escaped the social jungle known as junior high, and are now (almost) an adult. You’re growing up and it is time to discover who you are. It is time to be different- just like everybody else. Fortunately for you, everybody has decided to be different together. It’s important to understand, that it’s not about being different from the crowd, it’s about being different from the old you (because you’re discovering yourself, remember?) I’m sure this all sounds complicated and scary, but just do as I say and you’ll be fine.

Clothes
Ladies, you are now only allowed to shop at the following stores: Hollister, Abercrombie, American eagle, Aeropostale (though that is a stretch) and Victoria’s Secret. You’ll need a good supply of light colored flared jeans. Straight or skinny cuts are acceptable, but only if worn with Uggs. Speaking of Uggs, go buy some in the light sand color. Your jeans should fit tightly, to show off your girlish figure. Jeans should sit low on the waist to accent your lack of hips. Acceptable tops include baby cut tees, polos, v-neck long- tops with a cami underneath and anything else Hollister makes. Tops should also be fitted to your stick-like body. If you don’t look like a twig, you’re doing it wrong. Abercrombie and Hollister only make clothes in the same 10 colors so you won’t have any trouble coordinating. If it is a color not found in Hollister or Abercrombie, it’s wrong. Acceptable colors include pale pink, pale yellow, orange, sea foam green, navy, baby blue, oatmeal, light heather gray and white. You should never be seen wearing black, red or a bold color. Remember, the idea is to not stand out. Hair should be straightened with a slight side part, shapeless straight-cut “bangs” that hang limply on one side. Think thin, lifeless and mousy brown. A ponytail should never be without a ribbon, and remember to match your top. Shoes that are accepted are flip-flops, Birkenstocks and Uggs. You should buy a Coach or Dooney and Burke Bag. They’ll match your wardrobe because they come in pastel colors and have labels plastered across them. Always remember, there is no such thing as too much lip gloss, eyeliner or Hollister perfume.
Boys, the acceptable store rule is the same as for girls. Think Khaki cargo shorts or jeans. Gym shoes with ankle socks should be worn daily. You should wear a horizontally striped polo at least three days a week. A white undershirt should be worn to cover up the imaginary chest hair you’ve been working on growing since sixth grade. The other two days, you may wear a tee shirt. It should have the store you bought it at clearly labeled. A college tee is a mildly acceptable substitute. Hair should be worn in a crew-cut manner, gelled. Be sure to make the front part stick up like a ramp. It looks sweet. The ladies will swoon.

Behavior
This is an important issue, but easy to grasp. The cardinal rule is if you see someone else doing it, you probably should too. Girls, start drama and spread rumors. Just because this isn’t junior high anymore doesn’t mean you should act like an adult. You should be in everybody’s business, all the time. Boys, talk about girls, or sports, but mostly girls. Girls and boys can’t be friends. Boys need their “boy time” and girls; you should divide yourself into cliques. You may intermingle by going to movies in groups no smaller than 25, taking up an entire row and annoy all other people in the theater. After that you can go to cold stone. Decide to like starbucks & fake a caffeine addiction. Eventually, when you’re older, and you have real problems and stress in your life, you’ll be glad you’ve acquired a taste for lattes. You should text on your phone, especially in class. You have important things to gossip about and biology can wait, bc who da eff wants 2 dissect a pig neway?!?! Also keep in mind that you are super cool and own the world, because you’re in high school now. Even though your world could fit on a pin head, you own that world. This is your life & everyone else is just in it. Strut your stuff in the hallways. Walk slowly and in rows, so no one can pass you. It’s always a good idea to stop and talk in clumps in the middle of the hallways, not matter how busy they are. You are cholesterol, and all the red blood cells can just squeeze past.

Just cop the attitude that you are the best thing since sliced bread, and you will fit right in. Just keep acting, speaking, and dressing like everyone else and you’ll have yourself figured out in no time. TTYL LYL!!