Special Report: Freshmen

Welcome to CBS News at 7, I’m Katie Couric. In today’s news, it’s that time again! School is starting and new freshmen are hitting the halls of high schools across the nation. The freshmen are famous for having annoying qualities that are problematic to upperclassmen, this year being no except. We now to go Matt for the latest. Matt?
Thank you Katie. I’m here at William Fremd High School in what the students refer to as the “anorexic hallway”. In just a few minutes the 4th period bell will ring and students wearing matching green lanyards will swarm the halls and head to their next class. Among these students are the freshmen. Every year as one class becomes sophomores, students from the junior high move up to fill in the title of “The Freshman Class”. This title is one that will stick with them the entire year and intentionally or not the freshman makes it blatantly obvious exactly why they cannot escape this title.
When students walk in seconds after the bell mumbling “it's not my fault I’m late…” really for the upperclassmen this is the truth. The clusters of freshmen polluting the schools hallways make traveling from one class to another a task impossible to be completed in 5 minutes. Girls wearing the same Hollister t-shirt in a spectrum of different colors giggle together in groups strategically placed in the most populated hallways, making passage through an awkward dance step around the rainbow of freshmen. The boys wear abnormally large backpacks on unusually small shoulders and knock down books every time they turn their body. The most dangerous of all freshmen in the hallway are the Rubics Cubers. These freshmen keep their head down and twist the cube puzzle furiously, never once looking up and making it the jobs of others to get out of their way. Upperclassmen don’t have the time to deal with these annoying freshmen because if they stop to reprimand then a tardy is inevitable.
The only person able to keep the freshmen out of others way is the long time hall monitor who students have named “Tank”. I’m here with uh…Tank (nobody really knows her real name), so Tank, tell us why the freshmen are such a problem year after year with the flow of traffic?
“Well Matt, all of the freshmen’s annoying qualities stem from their insecurities. Back in my day there wasn’t such a great importance placed on appearance and social status, but today these freshmen are in a new environment and are trying their hardest to fit in, and are oblivious to the fact that they are really just pests!”
While Tank deals with freshman clogging up the hallway, other monitors have to deal with them polluting the lunch room with brown bags and bottles of Gatorade. Freshmen seem to not have the ability to dispose of their garbage and force the responsibility onto others, a great responsibility because the freshmen cumulate the most garbage out of all the classes. The healthy sack lunches their mothers prepared go untouched and a single bag of Cheetos is purchased and consumed. The most traumatic experience a freshman can have is being left alone at a table while all of their friends stand in line together. Eating a sack lunch and not purchasing a 320 calorie bag of Cheetos is simply not an option.
The ability to have different options and make decisions for themselves is not a part of freshmen year. The freshmen believe that being an individual will strip them of ever being considered “cool” or “an adult”. This delusional idea is what causes such an obnoxious class, but is the pattern that all of those titled “freshmen” follow. Until next year, William Fremd will simply have to deal with the class of 2012. Matt Lowery reporting live, CBS news, back to you in the studio.